A Costume Party Play[i]
Maid Marian: Still Robin Hood’s True Love
Robin Earl of Locksley: a/k/a Robin Hood who may be just a little soft around
the edges but is still Marian’s guy.
Friar Tuck: Celebrity Spiritual Advisor
Dogg Hogwart: Lawyer, a/k/a Evil Sheriff of Nottingham
Ruby: A dog who loves everybody and wishes we could all be friends. To be
played by a younger member of the troupe who rambles around the stage kissing people and begging for treats.
Citizens of Nottingham: Market Venders, Rogues, Wenches, Knaves, Fairy
Princesses, Pirates, other taxpayers, including the audience who are encouraged to come in costume.
Jester: Every village has one. (An older child or adult willing to be silly)
Narrator: The Village Crone, seated on a stool at stage right. (Also the
players’ prompter with license to ad lib comic asides to encourage
players and audience alike to join in the fun.)
Act 1
Narrator: Good evening friends. Tonight we return to Merry Olde England, where the wicked Prince John has been banished, King Richard reigns, and Nottingham is about to choose its first elected sheriff. The candidates are Dogg Hogwart, the incumbent appointed by Prince John, and Maid Marian, once the outlaw princess. Robin …
Jester: Nottingham, where knights were bold and maidens lost their heads! Knock, knock. (Receiving no immediate response) KNOCK, KNOCK!!
Narrator: Oh, all right, Jester, who’s there?
Jester: Interrupting Cow.
Narrator: Interrupting Cow wh……
Jester: MOO!
Narrator: Sigh! As I was saying, Robin, former Prince of Sherwood Forest, is now in construction, building environmentally friendly cottages called “Sherwood Village.” Now that Prince John is no longer taxing the people, they are able to purchase their own homes and our Robin is doing very well. Our play opens in Nottingham Village Square on market day. The candidates for Sheriff are about to have their public debate.
Scene 1
Betty: Potatoes and fresh veg! Who’ll buy my vegetables? Fresh from the garden just this morning.
Nancy: Fresh bread, still warm from the oven. Who’ll buy my bread? Psst, Betty, have you heard about the Palmer boy and …
Betty: You know I don’t gossip!
Nancy: Very well then, I’ll keep it to myself, but you can bet we’ve got a wedding coming up soon. Fresh bread, who’ll buy my bread?
Betty: You mean Palmer the butcher’s boy? Veg! Who’ll buy my Vegetables?
Nancy: No, not that one, Palmer the pig farmer, the cute kid with red hair and dimples.
Betty: Oh goodness! That one’s not yet 16 years old.
Nancy: Well, old Pig Palmer will be a granddad before …. Fresh bread, who’ll buy my bread!
Jane: Hot Cross Buns! Who’ll buy the hottest buns in Nottingham?
Jester: I don’t want to buy your buns, Jane, but I’d take a free sample.
Jane: Get away pest! You’ll spoil my business.
Jester: I’ll tell the whole village about your hot buns.
Jane: GO AWAY!
Scene 2
Rogue: They say Dogg Hogwart is a changed man since his public confession with Friar Tuck. He came right out and admitted he’d stolen from the people, but he said he was very sorry.
Wench: Johnny, you are so stupid! People as dumb as you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. You know Hogwart is a crook and if he’s elected he’ll just steal again. He’s never worked for his living.
Rogue: Don’t you think Dogg’s experience should count for something?
Wench: He’s experienced is stealing from us!
Rogue: Quiet now. Here they come.
Scene 3
Friar Tuck: Now remember, Dogg, you really repent your past. Take small steps and look down when you come into view. That’s good. Now keep that big string of prayer beads visible in your hand. I’ll stand right behind you. If someone asks a tough question about the past, be sure to look down and say “I know mistakes were made.”
Dogg Hogwart: Don’t fuss, Tucky, I’ve been practising this for weeks. I’ll wear out my looking glass, I swear, if I spend any more time looking sorrowful into it. Wait ‘till you see how I bawl real tears when someone mentions that old widow woman I jailed for not paying her taxes. Noisy old blabbermouth! If this sheriff lark doesn’t work out I think I’ll ask young Will Shakespeare if he’s got a job for me at that theatre he’s building down in London.
Arriving at Centre Stage
Ahem! Hello citizens of Nottingham. I hope you’re all here today to see the great debate between me, Dogg Hogwart, and “Maid” Marian.
Friar Tuck: (Stage whisper) Dogg, baby, don’t puff up like a toad! Suck in your stomach. Remember you’re here to be loved. And, to drop a bomb on prissy missy ‘I’m in the family way’ Marian!
Jester: What’s a piece of wood that’s got nothing to do? A board! I’m bored too. Let’s have some fun!
Friar Tuck: Sell crazy somewhere else, Jester.
Jester: Knock, Knock. (No response) KNOCK, KNOCK!
Friar Tuck: Oh, alright, who’s there?
Jester: Julio (Pron. Who-Lee-Oh)
Friar Tuck: Julio who?
Jester: Julio think you’re talking to? (Scampers away from Friar Tuck kick. Tuck almost falls, farts, and regains his solemn face.)
Dogg Hogwart: (Pushing Friar Tuck aside) Remember folks, the ale is on me at the Toad & Fiddle after the great debate. Vote for Dogg, that’s Dogg with a Double-G. He’ll take a bite out of crime!
Ruby: (Wags her tail and sniffs Dogg, who takes a kick at her, but misses. He too stumbles. Maybe Dogg and Friar Tuck have already spent some time at the Toad & Fiddle.)
Friar Tuck: Stop that, Dogg! Remember, you love dogs and small children.
Dogg Hogwart: Nice doggie.
Ruby: (Walks away holding her nose.)
Jester: (On all fours like Ruby, lifts his leg in Hogwart’s direction.)[ii]
Scene 4 ~ Enter Marian
Maid Marian: Good morrow to you, Friar Tuck and Sheriff Hogwart. Isn’t it a beautiful day! And, so many people have come to hear our debate. I’m looking forward to letting the folks hear what we stand for.
Dogg Hogwart: (Ignores Maid Marian and addresses the crowd.) Lovely day to have free ale on your old pal, Dogg. Perhaps my opponent’s time would be better spent weaving rushes for a baby bassinette.
Jester: (Stands behind Dogg copying his gestures, pulling faces, and making fun of him.)
Dogg Hogwart: (Continuing to ignore Marian and address the citizens.) What Nottingham needs is a full-time sheriff, one experienced in doing the job, not some part-time girl play-acting at it. It’s man’s work and I’m the man for the job! And, I’m a good friend of all law abiding people.
Jester: What do you get if you breed a Pointer and an Irish Setter? A poinsettia!
Dogg Hogwart: (Stage whisper.) Knock it off, Jester, or you’ll be the first person I jail after the election. (Louder) Do any of you fine citizens have any questions for me? Yes, you there, Knave.
Knave: What about the time you put my poor old granny in the clink, Hogwart? The poor old girl spent a week in gaol and would still be there if Robin Hood hadn’t sprung her and threatened you!
Friar Tuck: (Steps forward putting arm over Dogg’s shoulder. Dogg pretends to sob and cry.)
Dogg Hogwart: I’m really sorry about that misunderstanding, but I was only following Prince John’s orders. A sheriff’s got to follow orders, you know. And, speaking of which, don’t forget to order your free ale at the Toad & Fiddle as soon as I’ve ended my speech. Two ales for you, my friend, and for your old gran just to show there’s no ‘ard feeling.
Oh, and there’s one last thing I want to say. My opponent calls herself Maid Marian, but the whole village knows she’s been carrying on with Robin Hood for years! She’s in the family way! Pretty soon she’ll be a mother and then she won’t be able to deny her affair! She’ll be too busy changing nappies to fight crime in Nottingham. Vote for me, Dogg Hogwart, that’s Dogg with a double “G!”
Jester: (Stands sway backed and gestures a pregnant tummy.) Tee hee, Marian’s in the family way and Dogg is in everybody’s way!
Robin Hood: (Draws sword and steps toward Dogg.) You scoundrel! I should have run you through years ago!
Dogg Hogwart: (Hiding behind Friar Tuck, again in a stage whisper), I am rather arogue, aren’t I? (To the crowd) Join me now at the Toad & Fiddle, free ale!
Jester: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pail? FREE ALE!
Dogg Hogwart: Another thing, when I’m sheriff, we won’t allow people with hoods to hang around Nottingham Square. There will be a law against hoodies and men in tights running around the woods at all hours of the day and night. And, nobody but lawful authority will be allowed to wear a sword or carry a bow in Nottingham Town.
Robin Hood: If you become sheriff, we’ll all wear chains and need a paid permit to hunt and fish. Ale will be taxed out of the reach of the ordinary bloke. Why I’ll bet you’ll even tax our television and water, you fat old politician!
Narrator: Boy, boys, maybe we should hear from our other candidate, don’t you agree?
Crowd: Hurray for Robin Hood!
Narrator: Hush now. Let’s hear Maid Marian.
Maid Marian: Please my friends listen to me. There is a serious choice you must make and I want you to know what I will try to do. I want you to know what’s important to me should you elect me your sheriff.
First, I would like to see our dog fouling law enforced, not by fining dog owners or, worse, passing a leash law. Where would Nottingham be without our doggie citizens to greet us as we go about our day?
Ruby: (Sits up and begs, wagging her tail.)
Jester: (Mimes a dog having a poo.)
Maid Marian: If you elect me sheriff, I also would like you to write in your choice for Village Poo Warden. There’s space on your ballots. The Poo Warden would organise Poo Patrols to keep our village clean.
Jester: (Holds his nose, points at Dogg and mimes scooping up dog poo.) Dogg Hogwart for Poo Warden!
Maid Marian:
Second, if elected I will enforce the law against cart speeding and reckless horseback riding in the village. Our children and our doggies play here. Horses and carriages must give way to pedestrians in our lovely village.
Finally, you should know it’s true, I am going to have Robin Hood’s baby. We’re both very happy.
Jester: (Mimes gathering flowers, handing a bouquet to Marian with a bow.)
Robin, Junior, boy or girl! Our Robin’s got an egg.
Marian: (continues)
However, Dogg forgets, Robin and I were married long ago in our outlaw days. We were married in Wales by Father Patrick of Ravenglass. I understand Father Patrick’s bishop recently sent him to Hibernia to try to Christianize the Irish. We should all wish Patrick the best of luck with that wild bunch!
Jester: Knock, knock.
Maid Marian: Alright, Jester, I’ll play. Who’s there?
Jester: Old lady.
Maid Marian: Old lady who?
Jester: (Yodels) Yo de lady who! Maid Marian can yodel too!
Maid Marian:
Oh, Jester, you should be called ‘Pester.’ That’s all I have to say folks, so please join us all at the Frog and Fiddle. You’ll find a ballot, but please take only one.
Dogg Hogwart: Remember, Dogg will take a bite out of crime! Dogg’s your man for sheriff! Don’t vote for any blow-in from Sherwood Forest!
Narrator: We now adjourn to vote and please notice there’s a special proposition to extend the vote to our favourite resident of Nottingham, Ruby the dog. That’s dog with one “G.” We’ll announce the election result when we return and then we’ll ask you all to join us in dance and song.
Intermission
Narrator: Reads and comments upon the election results. Act II belongs to us all.
(The rest of the evening should be devoted to music, games, and dance with all participating. If performed on Halloween, try bobbing for apples. If a willing pair of dads can be recruited, a cameo appearance by King Richard and his Dance Master Will Scarlette would be a wonderful way to start the dance.)
Sample Ballot
Sheriff: _______________________
Poo Warden _______________________
Proposition: Should Ruby the Dog be given full citizenship in Nottingham? (Circle one.)
Yes No
***
Program Box Ads:
The producers wish to acknowledge the support of the following local businesses without whom our little performance would not have been possible:
Will Scarlette Ballet School ~ Be light on your feet tonight!
Hogwart’s Septic Service ~ Number 1 in Number 2!
Maid Marian Financial Services ~ Start planning tomorrow today.
Friar Tuck Fish & Chips ~ Home of the Holy Mackerel Meal Deal
Littlejohn Security Services ~ Have Long Staff, Will Travel.
Poppins & McPhee Child Minding ~ A Mum’s Best Friend
Sherwood Homes ~ A Straight Arrow in Construction
Tinker Bell Beauty Salon ~ Put a Little Fairy Dust in His Eyes
Henry Tudor Marital & Family Counselling Services
[i] The idea is that children love to dress up. Adults do too. The play is intended as a framework event to which everyone comes in costume. Also, if anyone, adult or child, can juggle, do card trick or play an instrument, these should be inserted into the opening scene and continued after the election.
Time and energy permitting, the children could write lines, particularly for the Jester. Most kids have and love knock-knock jokes.
[ii] This little play is meant to be broad comedy, tomfoolery of the kind children love and adults pretend to disapprove. However, adult censors may wish to modify the play to suit more constrained circumstances. Please feel free to make such editorial change so long as what’s left gives the child players some fun.
